||[Apr. 30th, 2008|12:44 pm]
When I was a kid I didn't have many female friends. I was always too weird, too rambunctious and too loud for the patience of the other little girls and I generally found the other little girls to be boring and their games of Barbie-Ken frottage rote, dull and awkward (why the fuck would I want to watch two dolls lie on each other? why are you beholding this with such fascination?).
Since late high school I started making more and more female friends and it kind of bothers me how few of them have any education or experience with feminism, self-image, or even concepts of self-worth. It drives me crazy to have my beautiful fat friend talk shit about herself. It makes me enraged to see another friend bend over backwards to be kind to a guy who has been yo-yoing her for months, and yet I don't feel like it is my right to say anything in either situation. I know my soapbox is unwelcome even though all I want to say is ditch the jerk, he's never going to make you feel even OK, let alone happy. Ditch the self-hate, love your body as it is now, if you want to improve your health there's tons of ways and it isn't helping anyway.
I try saying little things, "You deserve to be treated well. Don't beat yourself up, no one takes good care of things they hate." Sometimes I still feel like a bit of a freak for seeing bias, privilege and politics everywhere, that I'm being paranoid but they are there and I wish my friends could see them too so they wouldn't feel helpless and crazy. Once you see them you realize you're not alone, that its not all your fault and that you can change things, but it is so hard to introduce people to these ideas without coming across to them as a stereotypical radical (not that there's anything wrong with that, but people tend to dismiss what you say if they think it's "weird").
The more I see how things work the better I feel, and the more I'm able to look at my own feelings of self-hate with a greater sense of peace. I generally use this journal for sexy stuff, but these issues ARE related to my sexy stuff. When I'm free politically I'm free personally, and that means I get better orgasms. So there.